Sweaty Joe


disorganized.
directionless.
dishevelled.
desultory.
devious.
dumb.
DEPENDENT

Disappeared
(Delighted).

Confused. That is how I feel when I look upon some of the men my friends date. Obviously, sometimes guys who seem like schmucks on the surface turn out to be diamonds in the rough. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. On multiple occasions I have noticed that female friends date guys with one or more characteristics that indicate they are in possession of significantly less social capital than thenon as concerns men, but I feel that it is very different in their ca ladies themselves.

We are all familiar with this phenomese. Older men who reach a certain income bracket sometimes end up with girls half their age and several shades of fake tan darker than the average woman. This is an instance of when women become status symbols. While the argument could be made that their nubile presence is a guard against male insecurity, it is more about projecting an image of power: “look how hot the chick I can get is.” They date hot girls who might not be aspiring world leaders, but, in terms of attractiveness, are way out of their league.

There is no need to iterate the myriad insecurities the average woman combats in today’s world. Women handle insecurities differently than men, and I feel they are generally more destructive, making women’s loads a bit more difficult and masochistic to carry. Despite our advances, we still live in a patriarchy. So often I hear friends lamenting about the guy so-and-so is dating, who is dumber than she is. He is shorter, he is poorer and takes her money, he is a waste of her talents and beauty. We are friends, by and large, with our equals, right? Why are the rules so different for romantic relationships? How do these guys who do not have their shit together get beautiful, talented, financially stable women? How do such women manage to get into relationships with them?

I’m sure the problem is rarely rooted in genuine cluelessness. She probably knows the whole time that she could find someone whose conversation has her firing on all cylinders, but if this guy is already present, what is the point of going elsewhere and giving up a sure thing? Why challenge yourself and face your fears of being alone when you can settle? It’s so much faster.

The answer is simple: it provides her with a false sense of security. Security, because she is choosing to spend her time with a man who perhaps could not do better. She has given him a great catch; in his life there is no competition, and that much, at least, he knows. The security of being in a relationship makes insecure people feel better. In relationships built on mutual respect and attraction, where you might fall in love and put yourself at significant emotional risk by gambling your happiness on another’s will, you have to examine your strengths and weaknesses because that’s what the other person will be doing.

A dear friend of mine is the sole female at a big engineering firm in a big city. She is one of the most logical people I have ever known; if she feels you are being less than perfectly logical and reasonable, she will not hesitate to let you know in rather harsh terms. She has a lovely apartment, her own car, health insurance for herself and her cat, regular vacations, and a great complexion. Her boyfriend said he was just going to stay with her for a few weeks until he found his own apartment. About 4 months later, as his stuff piled up, she finally demanded that he pay rent and utilities. This guy is skeptical about evolution; he refuses to believe that he ‘came from a monkey.’ He subscribes to raft theory (which crazies use to explain the presence of similar fossils in Africa and South America while refuting Pangaea).

What the hell? I can no longer ascribe their relationship to boredom on her part! If they broke up, she would have no friends. Except for work, she would have no social reason to leave her lovely apartment. As long as he is there, she does not have to be alone. She does not have to deal with worries about being unremarkable or unattractive or unmarketable. She doesn’t have to worry about her social insecurities and anxieties. She does not have to suffer from the worry that as a female engineer she will be seen as masculine. There is a clear series of insecurities within her that she can rest upon his scrawny, pasty shoulders.

We all think of the perpetually single, suspicious of men, lonely, mean woman as the dreaded ‘Old Maid.’ Just today I saw one on the subway and suffered a brief moment of panic that I could end up like her. On some level, we are all scared of that. However, I think women need to stop allowing singleness to magnify everything negative that they think about themselves. It is almost as if in not having her life crowded by another, the un-distilled self-examination will suffocate her. But becoming mired in another person is merely a mechanism to say the inevitable. As long as she knows that she is better than her relationship and she doesn’t take it seriously, she can’t be hurt when it ends. But we have to work for the things in life that are really worth it, right? And security and self-esteem are definitely worth it. In my honest opinion, stability alone is not a good enough reason for a relationship to continue. Yes he’s there, but what would she learn about herself if he weren’t? The security that he brings is a mere placeholder for self-worth and self-esteem that is lacking. This security is false because it is born of insecurity.

Without the feeling of never being good enough to deserve her paycheck, her good sense of style, her apartment, she would be guilty of woman’s greatest sin: pride. This relationship makes our friend feel safe and in control of her life and that of another. (Unfortunately, we may never quite rid ourselves of that petty creature deep within who secretly loves to control others.) Our friend has created for herself a secure space where she is able to be free from some of the fear and pain of dating and rejection. Even if this guy leaves her, she will be able to talk herself out of caring or being hurt because she never really wanted him in the first place. If she dates someone she respects, likes, and wants to impress, and he burns her, it could be really hard to take. Making herself vulnerable to rejection by someone she wants to be accepted and desired by is very scary, so she fervently avoids it.

But allowing herself to exist in this space of reluctance and comfort masquerading as happiness, she is only closing herself off to the possibility of kindling a real relationship with a person she considers her equal. In order to find someone who loves her and wants to be with her for the sheer happiness that they can bring to one another based in respect and appreciation, a woman must let go of the fear that anchors her to what is in the end an unhealthy relationship, and decide to embark on a venture with higher risk but
higher potential return. She must know herself in order to let another know her.

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