Two is Company, THREE’S A CROWD!

Why do people always surprise you with a plus one? I haven’t seen my friend in a few weeks, we’ve both been busy, and I’m excited to update her on very explicit details about my life, ones I know will make her laugh and cover her mouth in a scandalized way and I’m excited to get the very same sort of stories back. It’s not just about sex. I mean intimate details about everything. I need to tell her about new drama with my mother or sister and years of friendship have accumulated all the backstory she would need to keep up. Then, as I’m leaving the house with my all my ammunition and information waiting to let loose, handbag on, shoes tied, keys in pocket, she texts and says “oh haha btw I’m bringing a friend”. I can’t say no! I am assuming said friend is standing right over MY friend’s shoulder. I know I’ll bitch about it to her later and she’ll say “sorry, sorry, she asked to hang out today too and I didn’t want to say no” and I’ll understand of course, but now the dynamic is off for today. I text back “yay okay that’s fine”. When I show up to the coffee spot I have to say “hi” and “nice to meet you” instead of launching into all the things I really want to say. I have to ask where this unfamiliar person is from, what’s her major, what’s her job, how does she know MY friend. Instead of giving my friend the look, and having her subtly turn to the hot guy sitting at the corner table, I give the look, and plus one notes the look, and then I can tell plus one seems hurt by the look, she thinks the look is about her, I don’t want to be rude to plus one, so I have to explain, and I can’t whisper to someone I just met, so I say it loudly, and plus one whips her head around to look, and coffee table man looks back and I want to die. When we are sitting at the park, I might say “oh my god, I have to tell you, my mom ran into Sally Anne again”, and then plus one, reasonably, would of course ask who Sally Anne is, and when has my mother run into her before, or she’ll pretend to follow along, but I’ll know she doesn’t quite understand the whole picture, so I’ll have to explain it all again to her anyway. No offense to plus ones, I have many times been a plus one, but they are a very unpleasant surprise when you just aren’t expecting them.