The Nine No-No’s:

1. If I’m not looking at you, there’s a reason. Instead, sit and stay where you are. I’ve already scoped the place out within my first five steps. If I were interested, you would know by step six.

2. Short eye contact, to the floor= I’m flirting, get it? Averting my eyes to any person or object but you = no, I’m not flirting.

3. Short, abrupt movements, beware. I’m about to run to safety, so get out of the way.

4. If I suddenly have to go to the bathroom, just when you thought the conversation is getting interesting. It’s not. And the bathroom sounds more interesting right now.

5. One word answers. Yes, no, sure, ok, maybe, and a slight smile and head nod are all indications of complete boredom and irritation. I’m not an idiot, I know how to have a conversation, I’m simply choosing not to.

6. Though it may be my good side, if I turn away from you, it’s likely not a good sign. Perhaps it’s your bad breath, your overwhelming smell of cologne, either way it’s a, “Next!”

7. “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend.” Even if you don’t see him, even if you, without doubt, know I don’t, forget it. Saying the “B” word is every girl’s safety net and our most popular excuse. And no, if I bring up my “boyfriend” this doesn’t mean we can still go on a lunch date as “friends.” At any point in the conversation, if “boyfriend” is mentioned, it’s a “no thanks”. We’re calculating it, it’s on purpose and we’re crossing our fingers that that is the only hint you need.

8. Please refrain from excessive calling. Once, ok. Leave a message, great. Call twice without an initial response- maybe a miscommunication, maybe you’re persistent. Call three times and I still haven’t picked up. Stop! There’s a fine line between genuine interest and stalker behavior. Stalkers are never a good look.

9. And lastly, don’t touch me unless I touch you. As my Dad told me, all men are predators. Thus, an uninvited touch puts me into self defense mode. I’ll go for your throat first, then the knees and possibly that other region you like so much- you didn’t want kids anyways, right? This is heavy stuff, I know. I also know most of you guys out there are decent, and you’ve mastered fundamental people skills and can recognize total bitch behavior. My hope, however, is to make this whole flirting/pick up thing a little more enjoyable with less hurt feelings and awkwardness. It’s basic stuff; just pay attention and remember the line between nice guy and complete creep. With hands in pockets and an invitation, come stand a little bit closer, I promise we won’t bite….hard.