I couldn’t believe what I had just said. Those words actually came out of my mouth? It was after she (she being my amazing fiancé) cooked us both – or me, however you’d like to spin it – dinner in her apartment, slaving over the stove, wiggling around two other roommates as I sat in the makeshift dining room that we frequent; a table and two chairs in her bedroom. I had just taken my last bite of spinach quiche – her mother’s recipe – and finished polishing off a glass of Shiraz when she turned to me and said, “Oh, can you remind me tomorrow that I have to pick up my birth control pills?” My immediate reply: “Why don’t I pick up for you.”

This instinctive response (for which I am now so inordinately proud) wasn’t really a question, rather a statement. Notice the period above. I really couldn’t believe I had said it, and by the look on her face, neither could she: a little bewilderment mixed with joy, ending with a “er no, it’s okay, I’ll get them.” I mean, it’s a common thing every couple deals with, goes through, and what most men, say like 99%, shun. The words ‘birth control pill’ are not part of the male psyche; it’s a “pharmaceutical item” a woman takes monthly (give or take a few days) so she “doesn’t get pregnant.” The topic isn’t off-limits in a guy’s mind, it’s just not there. Not ignored, just never considered. I am wondering how we men haven’t been more hands-on with the whole thing; why isn’t it part of our responsibilities. After all it’s as vital to a committed responsible relationship as, well just about anything else.

It amazes me how far we can get right now – politically we are on the brink of something remarkable, a first, a seismic shift in US attitudes. Then look at something as simple as birth control where our parent’s and even grandparent’s attitudes prevail. (Anything further back in time is a real mystery) But men clam up, don’t do it, never have, the big no-no. It’s as if the word was blasphemous, sent by Satan himself. So I’ll ask the question: Why do men vie away and still view birth control as “magic pills?”

I’ve had my share of relationships, and somewhere, somehow, the question of protection always came up. That casual segway while relaxing on the couch, or a conversation over dinner, or even well into the preliminaries and a breathless advanced stage of undress. “Condom?” “I’m on the pill.” “Er, okay then.” It’s something we ‘talk’ about once and then assume forever after. As in never considered again. Everybody goes through it. We always want to be assured that we are dealing with responsible adults and that the person you are about to have sex with hasn’t been raw dog all these years. I am not being insensitive to the topic and I am aware of the problems of going on birth control: headaches, dizziness, breast tenderness, mood swings, decrease in libido and even, in extremis, thrombosis. These have all been well documented and I am sensible enough to know it is not a topic to be taken lightly.

Until I posed the question I was one of those men, a blind eye at the very thought of birth control: As long as I know she’s on it, ah, it’s out of my hands . Wrong. Why hasn’t this been touched before? We offer/open doors, we pay/offer to pay for dinner, we do purchase gifts, even offer/pull a seat out, wear a condom (voluntarily, not complaining here), yet we have a hard time grasping a 50-50 relationship with birth control pills.

At first I thought it was no big deal, my girlfriend or “friend” just went to Duane Reade on the third Thursday of every month at 9PM on a full moon wearing only red with a blue knit scarf. You know, like most women. It was trapped, hidden from my daily thoughts, something never touched on. I think as men we tend to fall into a malaise, a funk so to speak, letting tradition take hold and never let go. Like my fiancé cooking us dinner. Why? It’s easier. If we followed a pattern of things that were done before us, why change? It’s just one more thing to not think about.

But that’s why we have to change. Come on guys, step up to the plate. Your not in college anymore and you shouldn’t be obliterating the real world in all its glorious technicolors from your lives. There should be nothing, repeat nothing taken for granted in a relationship to ensure success, however embarrassing, expensive or potentially damaging. Best to grow up and face it. Maybe we’ll even get our good name (and cojones) back.