BFF? More SLB!
My roommate. I love her, but she is the constant reminder of why I don’t want kids. I cook for her, clean up after her, and incessantly nag her. I berate her for not cleaning her room, do the dishes, and take the trash out, which she never does the first time around. I even buy all the supplies –edible and functional. The rest come from her parents and Costco. I’m the mother and the wife. And did I mention I already have TWO jobs that actually pay me?! I don’t need a third. Cooking and cleaning are not innately feminine skills, they are life skills that one learns overtime. I am her caretaker. Sometimes I want to be her undertaker. But I imagine all parents feel that way at one point with their children.
Ne’er a Drop to Drink
I saw an ad for bottled water on the subway that is shipped 6,000 miles to the supermarkets of New York City. Can we really be taken seriously when we continue to squander the earth’s resources on such selfish and pointless exercises as this? Why do we let the admen convince us that our lives will be somehow lessened, incomplete without this particular product and at inflated prices? It says something really derogatory about us as human beings consumers but much more about them as amoral chancers. It’s water for goodness sake.
This Door Swings Both Ways.
I’m flattered by your displays of civility. I really am. In a city where everyone is just plain mean, I’m humbled by the fact that you would hold a door open for me. But when I’m a good five paces behind you, it becomes something of an inconvenience. Because now I have to run – perform that awkward half lumber/half jog – just to accept this chivalrous gesture. It’s not helpful for me, it’s not helpful for you. For once, just let the door slam in my face.
Whine-y Little Biatch
Leave your problems behind the door before you step outside your home. I am just about sick and tired of everyone walking around with a nasty attitude like it is other peoples fault that your life sucks. If you are having a bad day handle it is by yourself, don’t take your anger out on the innocent person next to you. It is because of people’s constant nasty mood that New Yorkers have gotten such a bad rep! Listen, I’m not saying that we all don’t have a bad day here and there, but seriously, cut
the nonsense, lighten up and check your attitude at the door because no one cares or needs to feel the wrath of whatever you are going through.
A Lame Dick Session?
J.D. (Thelma & Louise)
Do your pick up lines work? Ever? I mean those ones you shout at me on the street. Do other girls really stop what they’re doing to start chatting you up because you whistled at their legs and couldn’t keep your mouth shut? Because it’s funny, I don’t remember my legs asking for your opinion. When you asked for the time and I gave you an answer, I did NOT invite you to follow me several blocks. Oh, I’m not smiling enough for you? Maybe whether or not I’m smiling is none of your business. Maybe you telling me to smile because YOU want to see it is not making my day any better. I’m reading on the goddamned train because I want to finish my book, not because I’m using it as a prop to get you to talk to me. Women are not on this earth to please you, nor to smile and be nice to you, and maybe you should really reconsider what you’re doing. Because no, you are not just trying to make me feel good about myself or whatever shit you want me to believe. Every time you leer at me in the street you’re demanding that I take time out of my day to give you attention and I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe you a damn thing.
Played by: Brad Pitt
“I may be an outlaw, darlin’, but you’re the one stealing my heart.”
TIKTOK MILLIONS AWAIT
… If She Wants It!!!
IF NOT NOW WHEN?
Gloria, Manhattan, business owner
In today’s crazy, surreal existence has any constructive lessons for millennials it is this: STOP WASTING ANY OF YOUR FUCKING TIME. All talk and no action make for a regretful existence. All your thoughts begin out as, “I want to…” but over time, those unfulfilled desires become, “I should have…”. Wouddacouddashoud a nobody wants to hear, least of all you. Don’t turn your wish list into your bucket list. Make it happen now. Even If not for pure spontaneity than for everyone else in your life who is sick and fucking tired of hearing you bitch about how much you want to DO and then watch as you SPEND THE NEXT WEEK SHAKING AT THE KNEES AT THE THOUGHT. Take some responsibility. Then take action. There will always be roadblocks in your life, so start making the strides to override those obstacles before there’s a wall so big you can’t climb over–like kids, or this zombie apocalypse.
1st prize in the DD Department
Woah! You really think my ass looks great in these pants? Thanks, creepy man riding a bike on 7th Avenue! You made my day! You know, I was feeling really self conscious about my body today, so it was so nice for you to reassure me that you’d love to do a lot of dirty things to my behind. I was starting to give up on men! Seriously, I was! I was about to become a bona-fide lesbian until you came along and restored my faith in humanity. You know, you really should continue riding around the city screaming obscenities at women. We’re all pretty down on ourselves and you really know how to make a lady feel attractive by sexually accosting her. And after you finish doing some more of your groundbreaking work, how about you jump off a bridge and die Because now that I think about it, that would make me feel a whole lot better.
Kutest Killer Kitten
Last month, I adopted a beautiful black and white kitten named Dandelion. Although she is an absolute cutie pie, she is a horrendous menace 50% of the time. I am so fucking tired of taking her out of my kitchen sink, and prying her off of my naked foot as she attacks it like she’s murdering a small rodent. This little kitten is the Jekyll & Hyde of felines. No matter how cuddly she is during the day, I am still fearful that I will wake up one night with her furry little paws strangling me. As cute of a little furball as she is, I am sure that, one day, she will not hesitate to murder me in cold blood if I so much as feed her 10 minutes late.
‘A Nose’ For Trouble
At what percentage of migraines per thousand citizens will it be made illegal to wear chemicals on our bodies; perfume, cologne, deodorant (it all smells like flyspray) that severly affect our fellow Americans. Smoking’s gone the journey; Stinky food on subways is not only unacceptable, it’s illegal; Why is it okay for someone’s arbitary choice of cover-up chemicals (or their idea of a sexy or cute ‘fragrance’) to kill the other 15 people in the elevator. And if you think this is another curb on your freedoms think about other smells in enclosed spaces. Even last nights curry smells (from whichever end of the alimentary canal) however pungent don’t often have that lingering nerve-gas-attack affect.
Do liberals live in a dream world, detached from reality? Yes and no. Do we see the world through rose colored spectacles? Yes and no. Do situations and people always have to be viewed from a positive rather than negative point of view? Yes
and no. In the very unlikely circumstance that any MAGA supporters are reading this (unlikely because first this is not their type of read and secondly this sentence
is already way too long to hold their interest), they would be nodding their heads and laughing out loud. Of course we liberals answer yes and no to any question because there are always at least two sides to an argument. Nothing is ever a simple white hat/black hat choice. And liberals can not only see tthe truth in that but on many occasions can actually see – but obviously not agree with – the other side’s point of view. (Which ironically – and paradoxically – is often cemented in
place for the opposition by their inability to see the existence of another, conflicting view). So as the adults in the room we must keep patiently explaining the
complexities of any given situation and the dangers of succumbing to simplistic and erroneous arguments, however bombastically they are delivered. If might is ever considered to be right instead of merely seeming effective to the knuckle-draggers then we are indeed heading in the wrong direction; back to the cave from whence we came.
Taylor Swift’s Evermore Just Sold More Than One Million Copies Worldwide In Less Than Seven Days
According to Swift’s label Republic, evermore has sold over one million copies worldwide in less than seven days after its release. Wow.
An impressive feat on its own, and even more so when you consider that folklore, her first album of 2020 that was released over the summer, did the same numbers in just as much time.
But, wait, there’s more. evermore marks Swift’s eighth album to sell over one million copies within a week’s time. What a run!
“…Repeated Light Tremulous Sounds.”
Renee, singer, Clinton
I’m young and tech savvy, but I just don’t get Twitter. Who the hell cares? Even celebrity tweets are inane and useless. I don’t care what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast, and I certainly don’t give a flying fuck where Average-Joe is going for Happy Hour tonight. I don’t want to read in 140 characters or less that you just ate an awesome sandwich. If you have to take the time to tweet every asinine thought in your head, your life is not interesting enough to read about. Also, anyone who uses the word “tweet” or any variation of such in a conversation should be punched. Hard. Get off Twitter and get a fucking life already.
Stop Feeding Your Face!
Lets get real! It’s about time we stop making excuses for why we are over weight, the truth is we are over weight because we over eat. Perhaps if we stopped moping around and put the cream cheese bagel down we’d realize that losing weight is a simple task that needs nothing more than some simple will power. Yes, yes I know, being over-weight can stem out of health problems, a deeper psychological issue or stress but come on if you really wanted to shed those pounds you’d get your butt up and go get those problems taken care of. The solutions are out there, you just need to stop being lazy and go find them. I can guarantee you one thing, sitting and enjoying a bag of potato chips is not going to get your fatass any slimmer. We are fat because we eat, don’t exercise, make the wrong food choices then complain when we don’t fit into our jeans. So, jog to your nearest doctor, psychologist, gym, or masseuse and stop bitching about your weight.
What’s Out: Cash
Electronic forms of payment have become increasingly available, convenient, and cost efficient due to technological advances in digitization and data processing. Anecdotal reporting and certain analyses suggest that businesses and consumers are increasingly eschewing cash payments in favor of electronic payment methods. Such trends have led analysts and policymakers to examine the possibility that the use and acceptance of cash will significantly decline in coming years and to consider the effects of such an evolution.
What’s In: Glasses
After researchers noticed fewer nearsighted patients in a hospital ward in China, they speculated that wearing glasses might offer some protection against Covid-19.
When researchers in China were analyzing hospital data of patients with Covid-19, they noticed an odd trend: Very few of the sick patients regularly wore glasses.
In one hospital in Suizhou, China, 276 patients were admitted over a 47 day period, but only 16 patients — less than 6 percent — had myopia or nearsightedness that required them to wear glasses for more than eight hours a day. By comparison, more than 30 percent of similarly aged people in the region needed glasses for nearsightedness, earlier research had shown.
Given that the rate of nearsightedness appeared to be so much higher in the general population than in the Covid ward, the scientists wondered: Could wearing glasses protect a person from becoming infected with coronavirus?
…D’you wanna die?
Rich, writer, Midtown,
As New Yorkers, we put up with a lot. But one thing we absolutely will NOT abide, nor should we have to, is singing on public transit. I don’t care if you have headphones in your ears. I don’t care if the whole damn train has headphones in their ears. You don’t sing in public transit. So shut the fuck up, and let me travel in peace.
Time for Your Big Girl Shoes
So, as a recently graduated young woman, I find the group female pity pow-wows to be rather exhausting. It seems now that whenever a female friend breaks up with her boyfriend, has a fight with her mom, or has a tensioned run-in with her super-intendent, my roommate sends me a text saying, “so-and-so had a rough day, so I’m inviting her over.” Fine, sit on my couch if you want to and eat all the ice cream in the fridge. It was freezer-burned anyway and I could use someone to eat all the left-overs accumulating in the back. But somewhere in between their gushing and my roommate’s consoling,I ‘m expected to stop my day of emotional maturity and adult functionality and hash-out your crisis. What? I’m not your romantic partner who just dumped you. I wasn’t there. I didn’t see anything you didn’t see. All I’m getting are some random details that you’ve overanalyzed and obsessed about, along with some quotes that you’ve memorized on the train ride over, and you expect me to somehow piece this all together for you? I’m an adult woman, and so are you. Deal with your shit.
So No Onomastics Experts here then?
Dear Starbucks: you make me want to be a different person. And no, I don’t mean a better person or a more admirable person. I mean literally a different person, with a different name and a different identity. How else should I cope with the fact that you butcher my name every morning? Why do you even bother to ask for a name if you’re going to slaughter it? – just give me an order number. That’s way less embarrassing than having to respond when you call out ‘Tara’ or ‘Tyra.’ My name is Tiernan. It’s not phonetically that difficult and I’m most definitely a man. My parents did not hate me enough to name me a girl’s name. But you do, Starbucks. You hate me. And I think it’s probably time to break off our relationship – Dunkin’s is closer to my apartment anyway.
A Sporting Chance. NOT
The biggest mistake mankind has ever made was creating ESPN. Don’t even tell me you’ve never been shunted aside because there is unlimited ESPN in your household. You slave away all day long and come home to your man, maybe looking forward to that ‘hello’ kiss or even just sitting down for a relaxing glass of wine. But, no! You walk home and there is some RANDOM fucking sporting event that has just invaded his mind and has him sitting in the recliner looking like he’s just had a lobotomy. And it’s never fucking ending! There’s baseball, basketball, soccer, golf, tennis, football, hockey, not to mention the BWOT’s, or the big-waste-of time’s; poker, horse racing, gymnastics, NASCAR, martial arts, rugby, lacrosse, and the fucking spelling bee! ESPN has every fucking trick in the book to brainwash our men into sitting in front of the TV like a cracked-out junkie. I could start a lap dance in fucking pasties and a g-string and STILL have him watching water polo. Ladies, reclaim your power! Stick it to the man! I want to watch a fucking chick flick and nothing’s going to get in my way. And that’s why ESPN hate’s parental controls, like the one I set to block that shit two days ago. I can’t wait to go home tonight and see his face. Sucka!
A Pauper’s Guide to Gold Digging
I’m broke. I was born broke, I’ve been broke, and since I majored in what is effectively a hobby, I’m most likely always going to be broke. I’m also incredibly, incredibly single. And look, I understand the old phrase that “money can’t buy you love” but I figured I might as well try to kill two birds with one stone, right? Look, the fact of the matter is, money can’t buy you love, but it can by you a lot of lovely things. Clothes. Real estate. The funds to commission artists to create Soviet-era portraits of your likeness. You know, things that make you happy. And isn’t that what America’s about The pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness? No one ever specified that happiness can’t include getting Botox injections with your elderly boyfriend’s 401K and then blowing the rest on a spree at Saks. I don’t need your judgment. My generation is screwed. By the time we’re ready to retire, all of our Social Security money will be dried up and sent away to China. We’re going to have to work until we’re dead. All of our money has been given to old, rich, white guys anyway, so why shouldn’t they have to pay us back? That being said, I’ve compiled a guide to getting yourself a sugar daddy or mommy; a step-by-step list to propel yourself to Anna Nicole greatness. Here goes nothing. Step 1) Go to gay millionaire speed dating events. Step 2) Start a new career as an end of life caretaker. Do it in the nude. And so on and so on and so on…
Taming the Intolerant Uncle
I would like to devote some space to an institution much discussed this time of year. It will be girded for, it will be planned for, it will be strategized around, and, quite frankly, it’ll be a bit feared. I speak of the uncles. Is there any position that is freighted with more apprehension, especially around the holidays, than that of the uncle? Mother Nature Network blog: “How to Discuss Climate Change With Your Uncle During the Holidays.” ThinkProgress: “How to Talk to Your Tea Party Uncle About Obamacare This Thanksgiving.” L.A. Times: “What to Do If Your Crazy Right-Wing Uncle Comes for Thanksgiving.” And Slate has long run John Dickerson’s advice: “How to Distract Your Crazy Uncle Over Thanksgiving Dinner.”
Why does the uncle become the go-to shibboleth of all those who decry rudeness, racism, and any out-of-touch sentiment? No one ever worries about the aunt at Christmas—poor dear, she’s had to deal with uncle for so long. But the uncle slander persists, for a few reasons…
Don’t Only Talk To Assholes!
I fully support the concept that everyone has their own opinions, but what I don’t understand is when those with opposing opinions tell me I’m wrong. I thought opinions were not right or wrong, simply subjective to the individual? Ok, that’s fine, a failure to understand the English language is unfortunate, but not unforgivable. The unforgivable part to the conversation regarding opinions is the condescending part. Just because you think you are right about something, does not give you license to condescend to me and tell me that I don’t have life experience. I refuse to give you a laundry list of the bad things and good things in my life, just to make you realize that I came to my conclusions about life through true, gritty, bad experiences. I don’t owe an explanation to someone who doesn’t know how to respect other people and their lives. But if I did, it would be this simple. Why do I think the way I do? Because I grew up and fucking dealt with everything in my life.
17 Seriously Uncomfortable Thanksgiving Fails That Are Hard To Forget
“Instead of using pumpkin pie filling in the pumpkin pie, my mother-in-law used leftover jack-o’-lantern from Halloween!”
We recently shared a post in which people told us about their most memorably cringeworthy Thanksgivings, and they were random, hilarious, and cringeworthy indeed:
Well, our readers chimed in with their own stories, and their tales were just as memorable:
1. “One Thanksgiving, my mother-in-law had insisted on bringing the pumpkin pie, even though she was the worst cook on the planet. Well, instead of using pumpkin pie filling, she used leftover jack-o’-lantern from Halloween!”
“And in addition, she used salt instead of sugar. So not only did the pie taste terrible, but it was stringy and had seeds in it!”
—Stephanie Ricard Nelson, Facebook
2. “My mom thought she’d already put the turkey on the table, so she pressed the ‘clean oven’ button so it would clean while we ate. It wasn’t until everyone had their side dishes on their plates that we realized the turkey was still in the oven — and it was locked shut during the cleaning process!”
“The turkey ended up catching fire, filling the house with smoke, and we had to call the fire department and evacuate the house for four days!”
Rats are people too, you know!
Maxine, retail, UWS
I’m trying not to be a terrible person. But I’m having a hard time. Recently I’ve been buying all cruelty-free products, you know, so I don’t have the blood and tears of a million testing beagles on my conscience. But I have to say, what I thought would be a simple period of adjustment has turned into a nightmare. Do animal activists not care about odor, hygiene, or personal enjoyment? Every cruelty-free product I buy is dull, ineffective, and smells like patchouli. I don’t want to smell like patchouli. I want to smell like a normal person who doesn’t poison animals. Is that too much to ask? Look, I’m all for animal rights, but I want anti-perspirant not deodorant and if I have to poison a couple of rats so I don’t sweat like a whore in church I think that might be the way to go.